So.Many.Tears.

Nothing has happened.
Not a particular event or conversation-
No memory drug up and revisited-
No reason for the tightening in my chest, the press of overwhelming sadness, tears brimming over my eyes...
Yet here I am
Staring out the window, at nothing in particular, with tears sliding down my face, little testimonies of the ache in my heart.

I don't know if this is a woman thing or a mid-life old lady thing or what kind of "thing" it is...but it is definitely a "me"thing. And it happens a lot.

Sometimes I am wiping my tears and back to normal (well...you know) in no time; my self absorbed reverie interrupted by an impatient buzzer, someone else's  need, or a distracting thought.
But other times I linger, feeling each tear push it's way down, dropping into my lap, each tear's track slowly drying and pulling at my cheek until they are used up...for now.

I am well acquainted with tears...we go waaaayyy back!
I have cried a lot of them over my lifetime, some brought on by anger and frustration, or the sting of hurt feelings...the lonely ache of disappointment.
And there have been tears of joy; unexpected kindness, the birth of children and grandchildren, the beauty of corporate worship, the actions of a loving and just God

But there are times when the tears just come, without provocation...with no known catalyst;
welling up and overflowing seemingly of their own volition.
Perhaps they result from inner struggle- issues buried deep beneath a busy life or a happy smile;
the haunting sadness of being misunderstood or rejected, dried up dreams, procrastinated promises, expectations suspended by the thinning threads of hope...my heart warring with issues my mind refuses to acknowledge.
Or maybe the overwhelming, daunting need all around me weighs heavier on my soul than I realized. Hunger, slavery, people abusing each other, the effects of drug abuse, so many people spiraling down a darkening path with no hope, no help. The incomprehensible death of a teenager at his own hands...and the paralyzing guilt that will forever remain behind. Hard things. Things that keep me up at night, grieving for people and desiring to do something, frustrated at the inadequate opportunities to help.
Knowing that what people really need is Jesus...and wondering at my part in that.

There are times when the yearning in my heart for Home and my longing to rest at the feet of my Jesus increase to a point where tears are my only release...my response to a desire so strong and exact that NOTHING else will appease it.

So, on any given day it may be it is one of these things, or all of these things or something else entirely.
I guess it doesn't really matter.
My Heavenly Father is collecting them all, bottle after bottle, until the day His Son wipes the last tear from my eyes.
And then, I am pretty sure I will be smiling.


Revelation 21:4

"...and He will wipe every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain;the first things have passed away."