Reaction

No one needs to be told that life is hard.
It is.
And we all know it.
Right now I have friends and family that are facing hard things...
marriage troubles, teenager troubles, health issues, leaving jobs, finding jobs, empty nests, selling homes... (sigh)
All hard.

The other day my sweet daughter-in-law (I still kind of marvel at how she found her way into our family) sent me some words of encouragement.
One of those thoughts had to do with how we react to the things that God brings into our lives, and how important that is to our Christian testimony, and, I might add, our relationship with Jesus.

Watching the pictures from Japan through my tears I was struck with the dignity and resolute demeanor of the Japanese people.
They are grieving and mourning and all that I would likewise do, but there is a calm, peaceable acceptance.
I don't know how many of them know my Saviour, I hope they do and that He is indeed the source of their quiet strength.

How would I react to that?
Quite frankly I don't think that my reaction would be "dignified".
You read my blog, I do a lot of whining, complaining...I can be a baby. I know.

I have never had a 30 ft. wall of water wash my town off the map,
Or picked through the debris of a tornado,
Or lost a close family member,
Or had a Doctor tell me to get my affairs in order,
Or watched my home burn to the ground... like my neighbor, who stood in the road watching as her home was reduced to a pile of wet, black, smoking embers and finally, quietly said: "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh; blessed be the name of the Lord." Really.

Luke 9:51 tells me that my Saviour resolved to walk right into the place where he would eventually be unfairly tried... and crucified. Wow.
And God's Word teaches me that Jesus-likeness is my goal, His life my pattern, His choices, mine.

How I respond does matter.
I must turn my face toward the things that come into my life and choose to trust in God and His goodness to carry me, with grace and peace and humility.
To calmly endure uncertainty; to leave my fears at His feet and fill my mind with His Word.
To grieve and mourn with hope and to begin again believing that God is good and His purposes will prevail.

And to rest in the peace that passes all understanding.
Yeah, that is all hard too.
But I choose to endeavor to live modeling "What would Jesus do?"
And God will do the rest.

My reaction:  Gratitude.

Not Feeling It

What a week.
Lots of family, non-stop activity, a little adventure, lots of laughter ~
("For I dearly love to laugh...").
A few disappointments and a tear or two.
Not crushing, weighty, total joy-stealing disappointment.
But unsettling, questioning, "Did I miss something?" disappointment.
Like when you were sure you were next...but then the kid beside you got picked. Yeah. That.

While I can begin to see the good that may be coming,
hope has been damaged and the questions continue to arise.
Thoughts centered around "Why?" and "What now?"
I know better. But it's kind of my default setting.
So I have been tussling a bit with God over what I want and what He appears to "not" be doing.
And, yeah, He is winning.
Actually, I'm kinda getting my butt kicked.

His Word reminds me that He is truth, and peace, and love.
And the array of my experiences attest to the reality of  my relationship with Him.
He is good...no matter how I feel.
Let me say that again: it does not  matter what I am feeling.
No. Really. Because while feelings are real , they are not always true,
and they certainly don't indicate God's goodness.
Or purpose.

Job 42:2 
"I know that Thou canst do all things, And that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted."

I can know, I do know...or at least I want to know, that God can do all things. Even the things that I want Him to do. He can do them all. And no intent, purpose or plan of His can be thwarted.... impossible.
Yeah,  It can't happen.

So how do I meld this dichotomy between what I know and how I feel?
What I want and what God seems to be doing?
Well, I can tell you it isn't by trying to have it out with Him.
And trying to reason my way through this will only take me so far.

Yup, once again I run smack into: "What do I believe about God?"
And, thanks to Job, I know that how I answer that question is the only "answer" that will bring me peace.
Job 42:3
..."Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."

I'm weary now of striving.
So, I will attempt to set aside my doubt and discontent and discomfort.
I will choose to believe that God is able, worthy of my trust and that He loves me. 
And I will rest. Right there.

Not home.

My house is for sale.
We signed papers, they took pictures, measured rooms, put a sign in the yard...
soon my house will be on the internet for all to see.
Yeah.
And I don't like it.

I get that in order to move on, to wherever, we need to sell the house.
But this isn't just a "house".
This has been our home for nearly 20 years.
(Seriously, I weep as I type...which is kinda hard to do...just sayin')

Photographs serve as reminders of all that has passed through this place:
picnics, parties, people...lots and lots of people.
But pictures cannot tell the full story of the dreams, efforts, arguments, drama, milestones, laughter and love that gathered in these walls, circled around campfires, danced like fireflies in the fields.
And it is all still here.
I can feel it.
Lingering in newly painted rooms, caught in the fragrance of apple blossoms, carried in the constant breeze.
I have spent the "prime" years of my life here; caring for family, growing flowers, baking cookies,taking pictures, running miles & miles, writing, reading, enjoying my family, my friends, my life...my house.
This house was a gift from My Heavenly Father and I have happily, joyfully, thankfully, loved it
At one time, all  8 of us called this place home...and shared one bathroom.
Now, 3 bathrooms later, it is time to move on.

And it is going to be all right.
'Cause, actually, this is just a house.
God will most likely give it some one else, if He pleases to.
And, should He desire, He will give me another.
And soon it will be filled with people that I love, things that I enjoy (hopefully big enough for all my books), and eventually, it will feel more like home.
But not really "home".
My place is with My Father in heaven.
And Jesus, my Savior, is  building me a house, not too far from His.
One of these days, He is coming to take me to it.
And then, finally... I will be home.

"Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. 

"In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 

"If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also."  ~ John. 14:1-3

Maranatha!

Weary

Weary:  Having one's interest( A state of curiosity or concern about or attention to something), forbearance( To be tolerant or patient in the face of provocation), or indulgence( To yield to the desires and whims of) worn out.
Yup...I am feeling that.
Interest is wearing out and certainly indulgence. And in order to forbear, I think I need both of those.

I've noticed that I run a lot of thoughts through my head that are not necessarily true, but strangely comforting.
My current favorite goes something like " I can not do this anymore..." in a high-pitched, whiny voice usually accompanied by a few tears.
Yeah...kinda pathetic, I know.
And quite frankly, I accomplish nothing with this, beyond a few used up tissues.

Recently, while working on a new Bible study, I discovered that the root of such a lament is actually pride. Now, perhaps for you that is a "duh" kind of moment. Not so for me.
Actually I was kinda offended. Really.
How dare this author put that so boldly into print?
I mean, no one knows what my life is like; no one else has to endure what I do. Um...right?

Pride: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing or conduct.
OK...wow. That is not me. 
I don't walk around acting all superior and important, demanding and declaring and expecting to be served.
Wait. 
Ok, maybe a little. But only because...um...I...um...well, I think, that  I might actually...think it's true.
(yikes)

It's not really a conscious thing. It's kind of a learned response that has become ingrained and it is part of my very nature.
My sin nature.
And it's always hanging around.
It's there when I position myself to get the best seat at the concert, or movie, or church service.  Or when I maneuver things and people so that my child gets the best advantage, the first spot in line, recognition.  
It's there when I am sure that I deserve the best piece of cake, or the cheapest price on the shoes, or that parking spot, or the last "one"... readily defending  and arguing to get my way...'cause my way is right and best and should not be ignored.
And it is there when I politely brag, openly gossip, secretly covet, or refuse to trust God.  

So, yes my pride is intact...and that's not good.
And I wonder if my cries out to God ever rub Him the wrong way. 
After all, I am exactly where He wants me to be...what's with the whining?
Don't I believe that He is good...all the time? 
Don't I trust that His perfect will will be worked out in my life, in His time, for His good pleasure?
Apparently...not.
That is the very essence of pride. 
  
I am weary.
And, yes, life is hard and my life might even be harder than yours.
But demanding that it be different (whining), thinking I have a better way (complaining) may come naturally, but that's the "old me". 
And it needs to die.
  
So I need to focus my interest, anew, again,  on Kingdom things.....not all these temporary distractions.
Indulge the needs of the people that God has placed in my life, while setting my own beside, or even better, behind me. 
And then perhaps the forbearing will be easier, flow more naturally, bless more people, change my heart.


God is good. All the time. 
And I believe it.  ; )