It's been a while.
I have had a lot of things running through my heart and mind but just haven't felt like sorting through it all.
Life is confusing and hard and wearisome... indeed.
But God is faithful.
And I know it.
God has been working on me in a couple of areas lately:
Do I believe He is sovereign and live accordingly, like I say I do?
And, motive; specifically my heart's attitude: Why I do, want, and don't "do".
The growing pains have been severe.
The past 12 months have been some of the hardest in my life.
Just when I thought I was successfully making progress, God was right there to remind me of my incompleteness. Again. Still.
While I lack nothing in Him, I lack much within my self.
And it is frustrating. Really.
This is definitely not an announcement of my "arrival".
Rather, I am realizing that this is indeed a journey that requires faith to even believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
This is where what I say I believe about Who God is and how I live matters.
The needed acquiescence of my will, my heart, my mind to God's Sovereignty... flesh and spirit in synch with the Will of the Holy One.
Boy... this is hard.
The meagerness of my faith manifest in my ongoing battle with pride and unbelief and flesh... sin. Ugh.
But My Father, in His perfect loving Mercy and Grace, patiently corrects my path and renews my thinking by bringing trials and Truth straight to my heart.
And that is where the strength is.
Nothing I can muster on my own can compare to the incredible work that His Spirit does.
Did I mention that is has been painful?
I have searched His Word for comfort, sought the counsel of godly people, and spent a lot of time in tears. Seriously.
And I have prayed... well, more like the Romans 8:26 kind of praying... sometimes prostrate on my bedroom carpet, other times laying on the trampoline in the night... crying out to my Abba Father... because He told me I could.
He has answered my cries.
OK... not all of them them way I had prayed for or secretly hoped...( like there is a difference before my Omniscient Father).
See, hardly anything has really changed.
Not my circumstances. Not my relationships. Not my status nor my location.
But I am.
No, nothing profound or amazing... well, OK...kinda.
God has calmed some of my fears.
He has worked in some relationships.
He has given me the ability to accept some unchangeable things and even some changeable ones.
Mostly He has taught me to stop in the midst of disquiet, anxiety, fear and frustration and remember that He is the author of every event in my life.
Every thing, person, situation that crosses my path is ordained by My Loving Father.
Yup.
Kinda makes all that whining seem a little... well, unnecessary to say the least.
But I am not apologizing for it. Honestly, God knows me. No point in trying to hide.
And He used my whining and crying out and real desire for change, to get me to where He wanted me so that He could do what He already planned for me.
And I am incredibly thankful.
So... yeah... I have not arrived, but I am moving along a better path and I think, ever so faintly, I might see some light down there after all.
Forward!
