Hoping.

So yeah, ... the sun is out and one of my kids is back sleeping in her room tonight.
I am liking life a little better.
Yes... I'm a little moody these days.

I don't like letting my words, actions and thoughts be dictated by my circumstances. I really don't.
I long to be able to be kind and sweet and thankful and gracious... no matter what is going on in my life.
I think that would make me much more like Jesus.
But, I fall short, very short time and time again.

Lately I have been under a lot of emotional stress, some (most?) self-inflicted but painful just the same.
I'm losing weight and my hair is starting to fall out (again).
I have read and studied and prayed and read and counseled and prayed....well you get the picture.
But here I am... again.
Stuck in a cycle that I should know how to stop... right?

So, for the umpteenth time, I am crying out to my Father to save me from my own weakness.
To use His Spirit to turn my lack into his plenty, my feebleness into His power, my garbage into His Glory.
I know, that sounds audacious doesn't it?
Why would a Holy God bother with me at all, let alone take the time to change my yucky stuff into His Glory.
Yup... doesn't make any sense to me either. But He does it. I know He does.
He has transformed and redeemed much in my life... but there is still so much more that is not conformed to His Son.
I am not even close.

And, as usual I have no great plan to end this ongoing struggle.
As far as I can tell, it seems to be permanent.
This tension between who I am and who I want to be.... ought to be.
And while there is much that I do know and understand, the unknowns and the unknowables continue to block my "progress".

Gaining little from my efforts, yet I continue to meditate on what I expected, wanted, deserved.... instead of the merciful, loving works of my Father.
Concerned with what people say and do and don't do and how that rudely bonks into my comfort bubble; bringing hurt, anger, defeat.... and once again, not trusting that my Sovereign Lord has me right where He wants me to be... to do what He wants to do with and through and in spite of me.

Goodness.
Actually, what I really want.... is to go home. To be done.
To rest at the feet of Jesus.

While I can't see any redeeming value in what my life "accomplishes", apparently God does.  Cause here I am.
Realistically, I can expect more of the same: childish, impatient, selfish, uncaring, unkind, unforgiving attitudes... and that's just me. Ugh.
But I can also expect that my God loves me. He is going to be good and faithful and merciful and gracious.
And somehow in His time, He is going to make me more like Jesus.
And I'm going to like it.

Be Quiet

Apparently it is fly season... it must go along with the rainy season or something.
Seriously, they are everywhere.
All over my car, hanging on the window screens and lately, gathering in my home... seemingly to irritate its inhabitants. I mean, really, what purpose is there for flies in my house?
We have flyswatters strategically placed all over the house and we are gaining on them... well kinda.
The little ones seem kinda dumb & dazed and are easily assaulted.
But it's that lone big one... bouncing off of light bulbs, diving bombing my dinner, laughing at our attempts to whack him out of the air, that draws my ire.
And just when I think all is clear, and I turn on my reading light and settle into my chair... yup here it comes; buzzing, bopping, annoyingly close but just out of reach... drawing my attention, distracting me from my intended task... provoking.

Lately I have been haunted by some unkind (and I would like to say "unmerited") words that were directed toward me.  If you read my last post then you have a bit of an idea of what I've been going through. (Understatement? ;) )

I have invested more emotion into this encounter than necessary, and I am not sure why.
Being misinterpreted and misunderstood are hard. Being unable to defend myself has made it even harder.
I am struggling to decipher what is really going on in my head, and my heart and arrive at a sensible reason for my continued unrest.
I have spent time discussing this with family and friends and have received a wise consensus of opinion.  And I trust it... and them. (you know who you are... I love you.)
But like that big ole murmuring fly, it just keeps circling around in my head... and my feeble attempts to ignore it lack lasting results.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I struggling so with this?

Well, as of this writing I have had no epiphany.
Yes, there is pride, and selfishness, and my ever present need for approval. (Seriously would like to get over that one. )
But I think there is more.
I despise injustice. My mother used to tell me that she hoped one day I had a child whose favorite cry was :"It's not fair!"  I guess she got a little weary of my constant whining.
And I feel like this is not fair. Not only were the things said only partially true, but some were flat out lies. And certainly I was not treated with respect or even friendship.
Am I making a convincing case?

But here it is.
I should be ok with this. I really should.

Last week, in the middle of my self-supported drama, God gave me a "vision" of Jesus standing before His accusers. With His mouth shut.
Hmmm...

Really... how would you respond to that?
I am humbled and convicted. But still sinfully selfish.
I want avenged, darn it.
I want others to know... oh wait, did I accomplish that in attempts to gain support and sympathy?
Hmmm...

That's not what Jesus did.
Nope.
He just took it.

Probably the most practical piece of advice I got in all of this was"Abandon ship!"
Let it go.
Perhaps through the power of prayer, the influence of the Holy Spirit, the acquiescence of my will,  I can do just that.
Willing to face unanswered questions, unexplained motives, with silence.
Quieting the noise in my soul with the Truth.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Say Grace

It's been quite a week.
Mother's day was great. Really. My kids really blessed me with their time, thoughtfulness, sentiments and gifts.  And I loved every minute.
I felt loved, remembered, appreciated... my big three. :)
It was good.

A week later, however, I am exhausted from a week that resembles the Blue Streak at Conneaut Lake Park. (Yeah... I know it's broken.... see what I mean.)
I have been stretched emotionally to as close to breaking as I have been in a long  time.
Unkind words, miscommunication, misinterpretation, judgement, criticism, all combined with a double dose of emotional fatigue, a dash of hopelessness and a heaping portion of loneliness....
It's been tough.
And I have wallowed around in my misery, tears flowing effortlessly, verbally spewing onto anyone crazy enough to get close.
What is the point?

Not sure I can answer that. Not sure it matters.

During church this morning, God spoke to me, again, about His grace.
I have been feeling a bit "grace-less".
Not only do I feel I've not been receiving it, I haven't been doing a very good job at bestowing it myself.
Funny how you can get so wrapped up in your own "stuff" that you can justify most actions, or lack of actions.
And that, I have done.
A few strategic Pride & Prejudice quotes, a little gossip (slander?), unkindness, and an unforgiving spirit.
(Feel free to turn away if you can't take anymore...it's not pretty)
And of course the inaction: no mercy, no patience, no tolerance.
Not grace-full at all.
Certainly not anything that satisfies the query "What would Jesus do?"
 (Yeah, I kinda rise and fall on that one.)

My Pastor spoke about how as pilgrims we should never be evil to one another, never insulting; but be tenderhearted, humble... and then the clincher: be a blessing.
(Seriously...I have been waiting to be blessed. I think I kind of deserve it. After all, my life is hard. Didn't you just read about my week?)
Up to that point I was mentally listing off the people who had indeed, perpetrated these things against me. (Really, I was)
But as I thought about what Pastor was saying, my list and the accompanying justification, kinda lost its attraction, and I was humbled by my sin.
And, true to the presiding emotional state I was in, I had to leave part-way through to go cry in the ladies room.

Somewhere in between wadded up kleenex, I was humbled by the grace that My Father has shown me. His Spirit revealing my selfishness, pride and lack of belief....reoccurring themes in my imperfect life. And a splash of arrogance.
Really...why do I think I deserve any more, any better than what My Father's sovereign hand so graciously gives me?
Why do I insist on my way, my timing, my comfort?
Why do I live like I don't trust God?
Not sure I have a great answer for these questions either.

This process of becoming more like Him and less like me is hard, and long. My commitment needs to be certain, steady, long-suffering. But too often I wimp out.
My time with My Father has been brief as of late.
Hurried devotions, when I have them.
Selfish, short prayers.
Little meditation on His Word... much rumination on myself and my discontent, unmet expectations, unclear future.
Perhaps these are all reasons for this past week.

Or maybe the affliction that I have seemingly endured, is there to reveal God's wisdom and grace to me.
I think I am asking the wrong questions.
Instead of wondering why I am so deficient, perhaps I should be focusing on the "Who" behind everything that is my life.
Time spent searching His Word, discovering His attributes, claiming His promises, could take my focus from my self-absorption, casting it in a much worthier direction.

And, as I discover My Lord anew, His Spirit will work in me... bringing hope, forgiveness, peace... and grace into my heart.
If I ask, perhaps enough to slosh over the sides and splash onto those around me.

So I start this new week, determined to look more at Him than me.
Focused straight ahead, willing to channel His love, mercy and grace.
Instead of plotting quiet revenge on those who have offended me, I will attempt to edify, forgive and love.
Even my enemies.

**************
I'm very fond of walking. 
Yes... yes I know. 
It's refreshing, is it not after sitting so long in one attitude? 
And it is a small kind of accomplishment, I suppose.

- (Pride & Prejudice...the movie)