Autumn

Amber, bittersweet, crimson, gloriously melded together and brushed across sapphire
Cool,crisp, damp morning air; like biting into a honeycrisp
Favorite sweatshirts shielding the slightest suggestion of chill
Weary, weathered leaves spiral to a crunchy carpet strewn with acorns and sweetgum balls
Awww.... yes.
Fall has arrived in East Texas.
And it is good.

 

This seasonal interchange coincides with my ongoing period of adjusting,
revising; signaling for me a rearranging of time to a slower pace;
welcome though temporary.
I have been indulging in some of my favorites: sewing, reading, photography and a little more Grandma time; by far my favorite!

My latest read allowed me into the life of a young wife and mother who is living in end-stage cancer.
Her desire to live bled right into the reality of her prognosis causing her to consider and deliberately prepare for life after she is in heaven.
Beautifully written, wonderfully honest, my soul hung on to her story long after I had turned the last page.
Legacy.
 www.mundanefaithfulness.com

Recently our Pastor taught from 2 Chronicles 26, the story of King Uzziah.
King Uzziah did right in the sight of the Lord and according to verse 5 :...as long as he sought the Lord, God prospered him" and verse 15 "...he was marvelously helped until he was strong (famous)."
King Uzziah was blessed; right up until he wasn't.
Verse 16 "But when he became strong, his heart was so proud that he acted corruptly and he was unfaithful to the Lord." And God removed his blessing.
By verse 21 King Uzziah is nothing more than a dead leper.
Legacy.


Last month we gathered in the Smoky Mountains to celebrate our family; all 20 of us.
Cousins ran circles around parents and siblings and grandparents; sprinting down hallways and up staircases, wiggling through secret passageways in our cavernous rental.
We played pool and Balderdash
walked mountain roads and raced go carts.
We ate, we laughed, we danced.
Being surrounded by the people I love most in this world was awesome.
And in a way, legacy.

God blessed this "teenage mom turned grandma" beyond any idea, hope or dream, and today there are six hearts beating for Him and seven more in training, because of Him.
It is my desire to leave a clear path for those who follow; outlined with wisdom and truth and marked with service and humility. Footprints that lead back to Jesus, and knee prints of utter dependence on Him.
As I find myself at the beginning of my autumnal years, I thank my Abba Father for this glimpse into what He has done and what He will do...long after I am gone.
My Legacy.
 

And King Uzziah?
Matthew Chapter 1 shows that 21 generations after Uzziah,  Jesus, the Messiah was born.
Legacy.
God's legacy of mercy and grace.

Homesick

Last week our air conditioner died.
To most of the people I know, this is not a big deal. 
But down here? Let's just say I wouldn't have been surprised if I had gotten sympathy cards in the mail.
Thankfully it has been a cool summer in East Texas and our house stayed in the upper 80's. We spent three days warm and sweaty and sticky. Yuck.
It reminded me of Meadville.
And I got kinda homesick.

I suppose that as each day passes, I feel more a part of my new life. Frankly, it usually goes by in such a blur, I don't have time to think about it. 
But I certainly have moments where I ache for the familiar.
Not the hot, sleepless nights so much; rather the "I know who to call to fix that" familiar. 
I want to go to my dentist, get my car fixed by the guy I know and trust, say "Hey!" to well known faces as I wander through Wal-mart, stop into the locally-owned book store (pretty sure they don't exist anywhere else) and sip a tea latte at Tim Horton's while sharing life with one of my well-loved friends. 
I miss those things... and I am homesick.

But I am also forever grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me, wants to grow me and show Himself to me; which He has done in remarkable fashion.
And as I settle back into His loving guidance, I am aware that I am in the center of His plan and thankful that He has put me right here. Right now.

There are hopeful signs of new life here for me. 
Some faces have now become familiar.
I am working harder at involving myself in our church and with people, and God is graciously opening pathways...I may even have a coffee date soon!

Yet even if enough time passes and friendships are forged and book stores are found, I will remain homesick.
I carry within my heart an ever growing feeling of alienation.
It seems the older I get, the longer I consider scripture, the more observant I become, the stronger the pull to go home. 
I am not wishing this life away (well, not exactly), or working to hasten its end (I am actually eating healthier than ever... now about that exercise...), but with my whole heart I am looking forward to Heaven.
I really am.

I long to gaze upon Savior.
My body yearns to be enveloped in those arms of grace.
And when I get there, I want to cry myself to sleep at His feet. 

But until that day, I will press on. 
Some days are effortless and move along on their own; sunny and bright. 
Others are long and strenuous; enveloped in grey.
But they are all gifts. Full of things for which I am thankful.
I even started collecting them in a new journal. (Thanks Ann Voskamp).

I will continue to remind myself that God is indeed good all the time and He loved me enough to leave His glorious home to come and save me.
And, since He left me here, I will go about this life, looking to join Him where I see him working and hoping someday to walk across that threshold, lay it all down before Him and be home.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Once Again

It's 5:30 am and already in the low 70's.
The air is moist and misty and I am sitting on my porch watching our herd of oryx gradually graze their way across my front yard.
I had never seen or heard of Scimitar Oryx before I started this safari adventure. Originally from north Africa, they are extinct in the wild. However there are a few thousand in captivity and we have 9 of them. They are graceful and elegant and have beautifully curved horns.
The most recent addition to the herd, a 5 day old calf, is curled up into an almost invisible ball, warmed by the feeble fingers of the morning sun while its mother tugs at the grass nearby.  The mother is moving farther down the sloping field and, uncomfortable with the distance growing between them, she makes a faint grunting sound and instantly the calf is up. Unsteady at first, he gathers his balance and turns and sprints toward his mother; stopping several feet behind her. She continues her descent and after a minute or two, the calf runs a short distance, again stopping short of its mother. I see the mother turn her head and although I can't hear it, the reaction of the calf assures me that she has once again instructed him to keep moving. This dance continues until they have moved out of sight.

And I see myself in that little calf.

At times I want to just curl up into a ball, nestled at the feet of My Savior. Comfortable and secure under His loving gaze.
Hidden from tasks that stretch me physically and mentally and wear at my emotions. Protected by isolation from the hurt of unkindness and the ache of loneliness. Safe from the anxiety of new and the gnawing desire for the past.
And I am at that place... once again.

It has been a year since we decided to pack up what we had left after the Great Purge (aka moving from our home of 25 years), stack it all into a couple of trucks (THANK YOU McCurdys!), drive 1200 miles (Yes, I drove the big ole Penske truck for 2 days), and start a new job, in a cabin, on a safari, in a new state that feels a bit like a new country.
It has been wonderful and a bit terrifying and not at all where I thought I would be when I turned 53 years old. But here I am.
And I would be less than truthful if I said that I never had a doubt, or a momentary panic, or the pull toward the familiar.

My Heavenly Father chose to nudge me out of my comfortable position and put me on a path that led me to this place. His perfect timing. His perfect will.
There was nothing veiled and everything clear as He orchestrated this life changing event.
I am entirely grateful for the opportunity to see My Father's love for me so obviously in action.
It. Was. Awesome.

So a year later, as I watch that little calf struggle to keep up with his mother, I realize that I am once again wanting to stay curled up in my new comfortable place.
My new normal is humming along and while there is much lacking, it is familiar and easy.
My social circle is incredibly small.
My calendar wide open.
My days dictated by the "to do" list of the day before.
Don't get me wrong. I have been stretched and pulled as I navigate this job and house and state.
And I cried out to my Abba Father, more than once, to hold me tight as feelings of inadequacy, discontent and loneliness gathered and threatened to pull into the darkness that is depression.

But much like that oryx momma, my Father quietly reminds me that He is close by.
And He will lead, and direct me. He is faithful. He is good.
He loves me.
And, once again, He is calling me to move on.
To step out of this complacent comfort and stretch myself anew.
And while I am not fearful, I am reticent.

I would rather meet with one of my familiar lunch buddies (you know who you are... I miss you all!!) than push through the awkwardness of new friendships.
I rather enjoy the anonymity of the pew on the left, 7 up from the back, in the big church.
The simplicity of an empty calendar; days that so closely resemble the ones before.
I really don't even know what specifically He is calling me to do.
But I know He wants more. More of my interest, my time, my life.
And, in my continual attempt to understand how to glorify Him, I will obey.
By His grace and through His power,
And I will start by embracing this day.
Maybe I will sit in a new pew.
Or sign up for a Bible study.
Or help with VBS.
Or talk to someone who didn't speak to me first.

And once again I will look at the cross and realize that no sacrifice, nothing He could ask me to give up or take on could come close to the love He revealed when He died for me on that cross.
And I will remember to thank Him, once again.


"Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again..."

- Matt Redman