Emptying Nest

Today I am picking one of my kids up at the airport.
For the past 10 days we have had just one child at home. ONE.
It has been quieter and calmer... and lonelier than ever.
Throughout the past 33 years of parenting there has never been as much "child less" time as now.
I don't like it.

Becoming a mom at 18 (NOT recommended) and being blessed with 6 kids (HIGHLY recommended) over a span of 17 years has filled up my time and thoughts and energy more than I could have imagined.
It has been good; great, in fact.
I love being a mom. I have been given the opportunity to know, love and build into the lives of some amazing kids... well mostly adults now.

When we are gathered as we were this past Christmas, my heart is so full, that seriously (and, I know, kinda corny)  I could (and do) cry with happiness.
For one evening we were all here overnight...18 in all, and as I lay in my bed, literally counting my blessings, I poured out my grateful heart to my loving Father. He is so good to me.

But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that all that happiness comes with a bittersweet chaser. 
Being a mom is what I do. It's what I've done; it's what I know.
And frankly, it is what I love.
Yet it is a seasonal occupation. And even though I have managed to stretch my season out a bit more than some, it is slowly coming to an end.
I know that somehow, there is a purpose for my life that will span the distance between the end of this season and the season of death (and Heaven!!) but at the moment it is a bit unclear as to what it will be.

Being a Grandma rocks too... maybe even a bit more than parenting...except the proximity issue.
For me, that is an obstacle to the quality "Grandmothering" that I desire.
 And I am working on that.

It is true that there is much that I once dreamed I would accomplish, experience and know based on inexperience, immaturity and some naivete. And the reality check to some of that produces a sigh, a bit of regret and a smile or two.
But not all.
I still have some goals that I believe, Lord willing, I can realize.
And He has already started to move.
Seemingly disjointed pieces are coming together and the outline of a picture is becoming visible.
God is working. I can see it. And He will continue to; I believe it.
And because of what I know about Him, I know that it will all be good.

So as I stand on the edge of what seems like the beginning of the rest of my life, I search ahead with anticipation , excitement and maybe the slight pull of apprehension, for what awaits.
And I will not stray from the truth in my heart that has driven me and kept me on the path thus far:  "God is good. And His mercy endures forever."
And like the old Amy Grant song says:

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Amy. :) 

So Sleepy

I had a great idea for a blog.
It was really good.
It came to me as I lay in the dark thinking over my day and as I began to shape some thoughts into word and phrases... I fell asleep.
Now... as they say on Duck Dynasty..."It's gone!!" ... with a nice little drawl in the middle.
(I heard that Martha Stewart keeps a notebook by her bed and when she has a great idea, she writes it down... right away. Perhaps I should try that.)

Last night I set my alarm fully intending to get up and head to the gym. (I know... but I was gonna try.)
Ten minutes before the alarm was scheduled to fill my room with it's annoying persistence, I reached over and shut it off, burrowed back down into my amazingly warm and cozy flannel sheets, and fell asleep.

I am a reader.
I love books and I love to read them.
In the past I worked determinedly to carve out reading time from my crazy busy days.
These days time is more plentiful but 20 minutes of reading and ... yup... I am falling asleep. I literally read between dozing.

A new day begins and my mind is brimming with ideas and thoughts and intentions... but it seems that often, before I realize any of them, my day is done and I am back in bed falling asleep.

People talk about how God has taken them through "desert" times. I get that.
I have been there.
But I feel as if I am living in a perpetual "nap" time.
What is up with that??
It could be my age I suppose.
Or maybe I am sleep deprived.
Or lazy.
I know I am weary.
Life is hard.
People disappoint, expectations go unmet, family, friends, desires, needs all vie for priority seating in my life. It all makes me tired.
Somedays I just want to find a blanket to hide under. And stay there.
But life has always been hard. This is nothing new.

My desire for Heaven is stronger than it has ever been. I long to rest at the feet of My Jesus. And just stay there. (Gee... that does sound kind of lazy.)
But as I type, He has not called me home.
I remain here for a purpose. His purpose for my life.
And of all the commands and directives I can find in His Word, I am not finding a lot of encouragement to oversleep. Actually Proverbs is full of warnings to the "sluggard" and the sleepy.
But rest... that's another thing.
Rest and Peace are both found in Christ.
He calls me to trust, to have faith, to believe... to wait on Him.

So... I am not really sure where I am going with all of this. Or if there is some disguised lesson to be learned. (Please... feel free to let me know if I am missing something)
I may just be in a season.
Maybe I need to adjust some things... get back to a balance... go to bed earlier. (I did give up Dr. Pepper... and yes, I am still in mourning.)
Maybe I just need to be more disciplined and intentional.
I will continue to seek to do the things My Father puts in front of me to do... with whatever enthusiasm and energy I have.. looking to grasp His hand to pull me through.
And for now I guess I will just keep on, knowing that He Who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.
His way... in His time.

Today the sun is shining... which always helps... and I am feeling pretty perky.
Maybe I will go for for a walk...  followed by a nap. ;)


*FYI* Several people have asked me what "Sevenly" shirts are.  Each week this organization highlights a charitable group and donates proceeds form each sale to that particular charity. This week it is "To Right Love On Her Arms." Go to www.sevenly.org and  read all about it. My family LOVES our shirts, hoodies & totes. :)

I'M BAAAACK!!

Did you miss me?
It's been a year since I last "blogged."
I took a break for lots of reasons...most of which are moot at this point. I have had many topics cross my mind and much interest in writing... but I just wasn't ready. So, I guess I am ready now. Not sure if anyone is interested in reading but I am going to write anyway! :)

Lots of things have come and gone with the past 12 months.
I have gained & lost & gained & lost (you get the idea) a few pounds.
I have more Toms and less high heels in my shoe collection and an ever growing assortment of Sevenly shirts.
Some of my "what I want to be be when I grow up" ideas have changed and some have been discarded all together. I am halfway to 52 now... some things just aren't possible at this point. So, I have set aside some redundant, ridiculous, ideas in favor of more lucid, logical choices.
And Lord willing, I will realize a few of them.

My relationships have also ebbed & flowed with the stream of life. I have experienced birth :3 new grand-babies and several wonderful new friendships;  renewal: people who were once a part of my life, back again; and loss: the slight sadness and lingering regret of faded friendships.

But most of all my relationship with My Heavenly Father has lacked consistency and vigor and, I dare say, passion. I have been distracted by myself... and the things with which I am encumbered. Willfully.
I continue to make sinful choices.
I often regret the words that fly out of my mouth.
And I feel the effect of my mediocre attempts to study God Word or spend sparse time with Him in prayer.
But God is faithful, even when I am not.
Throughout this past year, God has taught me so many things about Himself and myself and how He wants me to live.

So as I start this new year, I will shy away from resolutions but embrace some good intentions. (Hey...I know myself!)
I intend to:
 use more of my time to study God's Word.
 read more of these great books on my book shelves.
 encourage others through word & deed (and smiles and cookies and acts of thoughtfulness)
 focus less on what I want to do, be, have and more on what I already do, have, am.
 consider "what would Jesus do?" more & more & more... and act accordingly.

And I intend to indulge in some of the things I love most: "grandma-ing", reading, writing, sewing, photographing, and spending time with people whom I can minister to and love.

Yup. I am back. And I intend to be busy!