Freedom: In progress.

OK, it's been over a month since I wrote my last post.
I tried several times and even have a couple of half-finished drafts saved.
But the truth is, I haven't wanted to share the thoughts in my head. 
There has been much whirling around; vignettes of conversations (real and imagined), a goodly share of "same old, same old"(that is really getting old, even to me), some regrets, a little drama and a continued flirtation with hopelessness. And tears. 
I have listened to Sanctus Real's "Forgiven" over and over again, feeling like I was living out every line and chorus... but still waiting to "feel" the closeness to God and the freedom that I know comes with His forgiveness.


This week I spent time with some incredible, godly, Jesus-loving ladies. 
What a blessing. 
What a privilege. 
As we prayed, sang and considered God's Word, I was taken with a spirit of thankfulness... and it's been a while since I felt that. :)
I am thankful for God's unchanging character and Word; thankful for His Presence in that room; thankful for women who spent 2 hours talking about Biblical things, real things that will matter for eternity... honest, open, frank discussion that I know pleased our Father.
I have needed this. 
I have missed this.
I loved it. 


We talked about using our shields of Truth to combat the evil one... and I realized that I had not done that for a long time. 
I have been trying to out-talk the negative talk, out-think the negative thoughts and work really hard at fixing the things that seem broken. 
I was wrong.


No wonder I have been so discouraged and unable and frustrated. 
I wasn't supposed to be "doing" all of that. I was supposed to be using what I know to be true about God and my relationship with Him to cause me to trust His Sovereign Grace. 
Period. 


And this is where I have found the beginning of freedom... right smack in the middle of trusting God to be... well, GOD.
Beautiful, life-giving, grace-bestowing, mercy-showing freedom. 
Freedom to be who God made me to be... sure of His Love and acceptance. 
And free from the primary desires of my flesh filled heart to please men, to be included, to feel wanted and accepted, loved.
Not that those are necessarily bad things, but I think that they mattered more to me than what My Father thought of me.

I wish I could say that I have been "freed" of all my baggage... the stuff that has been hanging off my neck for the last while. I can't. I haven't.

But I can agree with God that He will sustain & admonish me and allow all that He wills so that He can make me who He wants me to be... to fulfill the purpose He has for me.
And that, indeed, is freedom.

So yeah, I may never finish the drafts I have saved.
They reek of selfishness, discouragement and unbelief.
And, at times, so do I.
But I am determined to practice using my shield to block the fiery darts of the enemy... even if it is within.

And I will continue to work at loving those who have hurt me, praying for others (even the people for whom I don't feel like praying), memorizing God's word (1/2 way through Romans 8... Yes!), and meditating on His promises.
Because that is where I will find God, truth, grace, forgiveness... and freedom.

Thank you Jesus.

Distract me, please.

Distract: to cause to turn away from the original focus of attention or interest. 

OK... if you know me at all you know that being distracted is not something for which I usually need to ask.
I tend to hang out in that realm.

I have trouble maintaining a long conversation without my eyes and mind roaming away from my companion, letting my thoughts stray, eyes glazing over,  and then blurting something totally unrelated and  inappropriate to the discussion at hand or abruptly pointing out an adorable child or other interesting person walking past.
(This is not news to my friends.)
Often when I clean, I will start in one room, move to another to put something away, trip over the open dishwasher, spy an interesting magazine cover, begin to read an article, remember I wanted to google something, realize I'm thirsty, open the cupboard to get a glass, remember I meant to start a load of laundry, leaving the cupboard door hanging open, then see that the sun is out and end up sitting on the deck, soaking up the warmth,  playing with a kitten.
Really.
(This is not news to my family.)
Yup... I have taken some of those Adult ADD tests.... and passed.

So I find myself in a strange place; I need to be distracted.

Lately I have been very absorbed, attentive and obsessed with someone.
Someone that is consuming me to the place that I am no longer acting like "myself".
I am at times irritable, discontent, anxious, plagued with doubts, struggling to find purpose and focus to my days, lacking peace, sleeping fitfully, crying randomly...  honestly, often, miserable.

See... I need to be distracted, separated from this person.

The problem is this person is ... me.
And until I am perfected in heaven, well, I am kinda stuck with "me".
And frankly, so are you, my friend.

The problem isn't in "who" I am:
Nanette Elizabeth Milner Smith
Born 4th among 5 siblings
50 yrs. old
Married to Tom
Mother to 6 fabulous children
Grandma to 3 beautiful, equally fabulous children
Blessed with many acquaintances and some great friends
And most importantly... a chosen child of God.

That is all good.
Great in fact.

But somewhere in this past year I have allowed the relationships, experiences and circumstances in my life to turn my attention inward, deeper and deeper, and I have forgotten my intended, necessary focal point, thereby setting up foundation stones that bear a creepy resemblance to... um... me.
( All together now... yuck!)

And it's not like I don't know better.
I have spent much time studying God's word, reading the works of godly, great people (most of whom are dead), imploring My Father to make me like His Son.
No, it's not lack of knowledge.
It's the application.
And the believing.

I would love to be able to just pray a prayer, and "ZAP!"... all fixed.  Wouldn't you?
But I have learned, mostly from being a mom for 32 years, that while "zapping" things into rightness sounds good, without the corrective discipline that comes from working through hard things, history is bound to repeat.

So I have determined to set my thoughts, time and focus onto the "right" things.:
God
His Word
His Will
and less about me: who, what, & where I am.

I dug out some good reading:
Desiring God - John Piper  (again)
The Good News We Almost Forgot - Kevin DeYoung
Foundations of Grace - Steven Lawson
Your God is Too Safe - Mark Buchanan  (again)
The Book of God - Walter Wangerin  (third time)
Philippians (Again... still), Romans & Proverbs (favorite)  - God
(Surely you are not surprised that I read several books at the same time.... are you?)
I am determined to endeavor to discipline myself to spend time reading, meditating, memorizing (Romans 8.... here I come...gonna get past verse 23 this time!!).
And talking more to My Father, my Abba Father:
Choosing to invite Him into all my thoughts (Think Brother Lawrence), and actions.
Crying out for His mercy and grace and bringing others to His throne, concerned with the needs and struggles of others.... hopefully diminishing my own selfish whining in the process.
Taking what His Spirit shows me, applying it to my heart and mind and actions, purifying my motives, giving rest and peace to my soul.
I believe that this is the antidote to all the "me-ness" I have been indulging in lately.

So, I guess my request for distraction needs to go straight to the Throne of Grace, where my Father sits, high and lifted up and rightfully adored.
Clearly, I cannot do any of this on my own.
I have tried: Repeated, epic fail.
But by choosing to discipline myself, forcing my mind to dwell on His Word, using my time to cultivate my relationship with Him, I allow my soul to acquiesce to the Holy Spirit's work in me, and with time and desire God may change the shape of my foundation stones, mercifully, graciously, forming new ones that slowly, surely resemble Jesus Christ.... my beloved Savior.

Oh yes... please... distract me with Jesus.






Isa 6:1-8 "I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and his train filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim; each ... one called to another and said: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory." And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, .... And I said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, ...; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!" Then flew one of the seraphim to me.... And he touched my mouth, and said: "Behold, ...; your guilt is taken away, and your sin forgiven." 

Blog, Blog, Blog...

If you are reading this now, good chance you've been here before.
I've been "blogging" for 7 months and this is my 52nd post.
Does that seem like a lot?
Well, if you know me, you will know that most of what I think ends up out my mouth anyway, so it's not surprising that I have been a busy blogger.

Over the past months I have sat at this keyboard and let my musings, frustrations, revelations and interactions flow from my heart and mind onto this "page".
If you are family member or friend, perhaps you have even been the inspiration or catalyst behind some of my writing.
I have borne some criticism along the way, mostly from people who thought I was writing about them, and that kinda stung at first.
My intention is not to use my blog to hurt or "teach a lesson" to any one person.
Nor do I pretend to have the power to prick a heart, bring about guilt, or name someone else's sin.
In fact, I have emptied my heart here, time & time again, with no other motive than to share the story of a sinner, saved by grace.

Most of my writing is a reflection of the fragments of my life, recent and past, and how God is using them  to put together (inexplicably) something good... and the sometimes messy method by which this all takes place.
And yes, usually He uses the people with whom I relate, and the situations that arise, to teach me.
If along the way, someone else relates as well... well, that just might be the point.

By far, The loudest comments have been from people who identify with what I write.
(I have had readers from several countries including Singapore, Croatia, Australia, Canada and Germany... um... I don't think I know anyone in Croatia. )
Many have found themselves between the lines and have been encouraged to know they don't struggle alone.
Some of my writing has been very transparent; raw, if you will.
More than once I have wondered at the wisdom (or lack) of sharing myself so clearly, openly, painfully.
But the expressions of gratitude, appreciation and yes, even relief, expressed to me by readers are louder than the awkward thud of my fall from my own pedestal.

So, yeah, I will write and I will pray that God will change me as I meditate on His Word, apply it to my life and wrestle with the results... recording my journey on this page.
And if God uses this blog to encourage you, my friend, in any way, that's a bonus for which I take no credit.

You use steel to sharpen steel, 
   and one friend sharpens another. ~ Proverbs 27:17

Cleaning Day

Ok... today is the day.

I am going to clean out Chad's room.

I have been in there only briefly the past two weeks and have yet to leave it without crying.

But... today is a new day. A beginning of sorts. 

I may turn it into a study, or a sewing room, or something... anything that doesn't resemble Chad's empty room.  

Not sure, but, for now.... I am going in!

I wish it were that easy to deal with some other areas of my life that need a good cleaning.

Like... my thoughts, my attitude, (my house, but... maybe later), my mouth.

Actually it will be much easier to spend the day in Chad's room than tackle any one of those things. 

And really, if I would clean out the junk in my heart... well that would take care of the rest of it.

God's Word tells me:

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. Luke 6:45

I think it is interesting that God calls both the evil and the good stuff, "treasure". [Valuable or precious possessions of any kind.]

It is true. There are things that I keep in my heart, attitudes and thoughts and even memories, that are evil.

Yet I must regard them as treasure, otherwise, why are they still there?

Yeah. Guilty. 

And the unkind, unedifying, uncontrolled stuff that flies out of my mouth, has it's roots (at least) in this evil treasure. (Yuck.)

Hmmm...

So the obvious action to take is to clean it out. Remove the old, evil treasure and replace it with new. 

I suppose the kind that doesn't tarnish or get eaten by moths would be a good place to start. 

But, like everything else God wants me to do, my first inclination is to whine about how hard it is going to be.

After all, I treasure this stuff... this is gonna leave a mark.

Identifying the source of the treasure seems kinda important.

Maybe, if I can determine my motivation for saving it, I can find the path to removing it. 

I know that some of it is there just 'cause I want it there. 

Stubborn, selfish, sure.

But I fear that the farther I go, the more clearly I will see that the very bottom, the fine, thready ends of the roots, are buried in pride.

And the only antidote to that is, well, humility.

And that really is hard. 

Humility requires me to work in tandem with God's Holy Spirit, powered by God's Grace.

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

I must be:

Humble enough to admit I am proud.

Humble as I approach those who I have offended, and offer my request for forgiveness... and humble as I am approached by others, granting forgiveness in kind.

Humble as I take my thoughts captive, releasing my ideas for justice, vindication, exposure, dwelling on God's abundance of Goodness, Rightness and Mercy and trusting Him to right the "wrongs" that fill my life... and mind.

Humble to admit that the source of my evil treasure is the sin that dwells within my very nature... and that I am wholly dependent on God's Grace to put that aside.

So, through prayer and the Truth of God's Word, I will do some cleaning. 

As I do, I will endeavor to reconcile relationships, replace criticism and intolerance with love and patience, and approach daily difficulties believing in the Goodness and Greatness of God's Sovereignty.

Hopefully resulting in the golden glow of the good treasure of God's glorious Grace.

And then, I should probably clean my house. :) 

Hoping.

So yeah, ... the sun is out and one of my kids is back sleeping in her room tonight.
I am liking life a little better.
Yes... I'm a little moody these days.

I don't like letting my words, actions and thoughts be dictated by my circumstances. I really don't.
I long to be able to be kind and sweet and thankful and gracious... no matter what is going on in my life.
I think that would make me much more like Jesus.
But, I fall short, very short time and time again.

Lately I have been under a lot of emotional stress, some (most?) self-inflicted but painful just the same.
I'm losing weight and my hair is starting to fall out (again).
I have read and studied and prayed and read and counseled and prayed....well you get the picture.
But here I am... again.
Stuck in a cycle that I should know how to stop... right?

So, for the umpteenth time, I am crying out to my Father to save me from my own weakness.
To use His Spirit to turn my lack into his plenty, my feebleness into His power, my garbage into His Glory.
I know, that sounds audacious doesn't it?
Why would a Holy God bother with me at all, let alone take the time to change my yucky stuff into His Glory.
Yup... doesn't make any sense to me either. But He does it. I know He does.
He has transformed and redeemed much in my life... but there is still so much more that is not conformed to His Son.
I am not even close.

And, as usual I have no great plan to end this ongoing struggle.
As far as I can tell, it seems to be permanent.
This tension between who I am and who I want to be.... ought to be.
And while there is much that I do know and understand, the unknowns and the unknowables continue to block my "progress".

Gaining little from my efforts, yet I continue to meditate on what I expected, wanted, deserved.... instead of the merciful, loving works of my Father.
Concerned with what people say and do and don't do and how that rudely bonks into my comfort bubble; bringing hurt, anger, defeat.... and once again, not trusting that my Sovereign Lord has me right where He wants me to be... to do what He wants to do with and through and in spite of me.

Goodness.
Actually, what I really want.... is to go home. To be done.
To rest at the feet of Jesus.

While I can't see any redeeming value in what my life "accomplishes", apparently God does.  Cause here I am.
Realistically, I can expect more of the same: childish, impatient, selfish, uncaring, unkind, unforgiving attitudes... and that's just me. Ugh.
But I can also expect that my God loves me. He is going to be good and faithful and merciful and gracious.
And somehow in His time, He is going to make me more like Jesus.
And I'm going to like it.

Be Quiet

Apparently it is fly season... it must go along with the rainy season or something.
Seriously, they are everywhere.
All over my car, hanging on the window screens and lately, gathering in my home... seemingly to irritate its inhabitants. I mean, really, what purpose is there for flies in my house?
We have flyswatters strategically placed all over the house and we are gaining on them... well kinda.
The little ones seem kinda dumb & dazed and are easily assaulted.
But it's that lone big one... bouncing off of light bulbs, diving bombing my dinner, laughing at our attempts to whack him out of the air, that draws my ire.
And just when I think all is clear, and I turn on my reading light and settle into my chair... yup here it comes; buzzing, bopping, annoyingly close but just out of reach... drawing my attention, distracting me from my intended task... provoking.

Lately I have been haunted by some unkind (and I would like to say "unmerited") words that were directed toward me.  If you read my last post then you have a bit of an idea of what I've been going through. (Understatement? ;) )

I have invested more emotion into this encounter than necessary, and I am not sure why.
Being misinterpreted and misunderstood are hard. Being unable to defend myself has made it even harder.
I am struggling to decipher what is really going on in my head, and my heart and arrive at a sensible reason for my continued unrest.
I have spent time discussing this with family and friends and have received a wise consensus of opinion.  And I trust it... and them. (you know who you are... I love you.)
But like that big ole murmuring fly, it just keeps circling around in my head... and my feeble attempts to ignore it lack lasting results.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I struggling so with this?

Well, as of this writing I have had no epiphany.
Yes, there is pride, and selfishness, and my ever present need for approval. (Seriously would like to get over that one. )
But I think there is more.
I despise injustice. My mother used to tell me that she hoped one day I had a child whose favorite cry was :"It's not fair!"  I guess she got a little weary of my constant whining.
And I feel like this is not fair. Not only were the things said only partially true, but some were flat out lies. And certainly I was not treated with respect or even friendship.
Am I making a convincing case?

But here it is.
I should be ok with this. I really should.

Last week, in the middle of my self-supported drama, God gave me a "vision" of Jesus standing before His accusers. With His mouth shut.
Hmmm...

Really... how would you respond to that?
I am humbled and convicted. But still sinfully selfish.
I want avenged, darn it.
I want others to know... oh wait, did I accomplish that in attempts to gain support and sympathy?
Hmmm...

That's not what Jesus did.
Nope.
He just took it.

Probably the most practical piece of advice I got in all of this was"Abandon ship!"
Let it go.
Perhaps through the power of prayer, the influence of the Holy Spirit, the acquiescence of my will,  I can do just that.
Willing to face unanswered questions, unexplained motives, with silence.
Quieting the noise in my soul with the Truth.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Say Grace

It's been quite a week.
Mother's day was great. Really. My kids really blessed me with their time, thoughtfulness, sentiments and gifts.  And I loved every minute.
I felt loved, remembered, appreciated... my big three. :)
It was good.

A week later, however, I am exhausted from a week that resembles the Blue Streak at Conneaut Lake Park. (Yeah... I know it's broken.... see what I mean.)
I have been stretched emotionally to as close to breaking as I have been in a long  time.
Unkind words, miscommunication, misinterpretation, judgement, criticism, all combined with a double dose of emotional fatigue, a dash of hopelessness and a heaping portion of loneliness....
It's been tough.
And I have wallowed around in my misery, tears flowing effortlessly, verbally spewing onto anyone crazy enough to get close.
What is the point?

Not sure I can answer that. Not sure it matters.

During church this morning, God spoke to me, again, about His grace.
I have been feeling a bit "grace-less".
Not only do I feel I've not been receiving it, I haven't been doing a very good job at bestowing it myself.
Funny how you can get so wrapped up in your own "stuff" that you can justify most actions, or lack of actions.
And that, I have done.
A few strategic Pride & Prejudice quotes, a little gossip (slander?), unkindness, and an unforgiving spirit.
(Feel free to turn away if you can't take anymore...it's not pretty)
And of course the inaction: no mercy, no patience, no tolerance.
Not grace-full at all.
Certainly not anything that satisfies the query "What would Jesus do?"
 (Yeah, I kinda rise and fall on that one.)

My Pastor spoke about how as pilgrims we should never be evil to one another, never insulting; but be tenderhearted, humble... and then the clincher: be a blessing.
(Seriously...I have been waiting to be blessed. I think I kind of deserve it. After all, my life is hard. Didn't you just read about my week?)
Up to that point I was mentally listing off the people who had indeed, perpetrated these things against me. (Really, I was)
But as I thought about what Pastor was saying, my list and the accompanying justification, kinda lost its attraction, and I was humbled by my sin.
And, true to the presiding emotional state I was in, I had to leave part-way through to go cry in the ladies room.

Somewhere in between wadded up kleenex, I was humbled by the grace that My Father has shown me. His Spirit revealing my selfishness, pride and lack of belief....reoccurring themes in my imperfect life. And a splash of arrogance.
Really...why do I think I deserve any more, any better than what My Father's sovereign hand so graciously gives me?
Why do I insist on my way, my timing, my comfort?
Why do I live like I don't trust God?
Not sure I have a great answer for these questions either.

This process of becoming more like Him and less like me is hard, and long. My commitment needs to be certain, steady, long-suffering. But too often I wimp out.
My time with My Father has been brief as of late.
Hurried devotions, when I have them.
Selfish, short prayers.
Little meditation on His Word... much rumination on myself and my discontent, unmet expectations, unclear future.
Perhaps these are all reasons for this past week.

Or maybe the affliction that I have seemingly endured, is there to reveal God's wisdom and grace to me.
I think I am asking the wrong questions.
Instead of wondering why I am so deficient, perhaps I should be focusing on the "Who" behind everything that is my life.
Time spent searching His Word, discovering His attributes, claiming His promises, could take my focus from my self-absorption, casting it in a much worthier direction.

And, as I discover My Lord anew, His Spirit will work in me... bringing hope, forgiveness, peace... and grace into my heart.
If I ask, perhaps enough to slosh over the sides and splash onto those around me.

So I start this new week, determined to look more at Him than me.
Focused straight ahead, willing to channel His love, mercy and grace.
Instead of plotting quiet revenge on those who have offended me, I will attempt to edify, forgive and love.
Even my enemies.

**************
I'm very fond of walking. 
Yes... yes I know. 
It's refreshing, is it not after sitting so long in one attitude? 
And it is a small kind of accomplishment, I suppose.

- (Pride & Prejudice...the movie)