Freedom: In progress.

OK, it's been over a month since I wrote my last post.
I tried several times and even have a couple of half-finished drafts saved.
But the truth is, I haven't wanted to share the thoughts in my head. 
There has been much whirling around; vignettes of conversations (real and imagined), a goodly share of "same old, same old"(that is really getting old, even to me), some regrets, a little drama and a continued flirtation with hopelessness. And tears. 
I have listened to Sanctus Real's "Forgiven" over and over again, feeling like I was living out every line and chorus... but still waiting to "feel" the closeness to God and the freedom that I know comes with His forgiveness.


This week I spent time with some incredible, godly, Jesus-loving ladies. 
What a blessing. 
What a privilege. 
As we prayed, sang and considered God's Word, I was taken with a spirit of thankfulness... and it's been a while since I felt that. :)
I am thankful for God's unchanging character and Word; thankful for His Presence in that room; thankful for women who spent 2 hours talking about Biblical things, real things that will matter for eternity... honest, open, frank discussion that I know pleased our Father.
I have needed this. 
I have missed this.
I loved it. 


We talked about using our shields of Truth to combat the evil one... and I realized that I had not done that for a long time. 
I have been trying to out-talk the negative talk, out-think the negative thoughts and work really hard at fixing the things that seem broken. 
I was wrong.


No wonder I have been so discouraged and unable and frustrated. 
I wasn't supposed to be "doing" all of that. I was supposed to be using what I know to be true about God and my relationship with Him to cause me to trust His Sovereign Grace. 
Period. 


And this is where I have found the beginning of freedom... right smack in the middle of trusting God to be... well, GOD.
Beautiful, life-giving, grace-bestowing, mercy-showing freedom. 
Freedom to be who God made me to be... sure of His Love and acceptance. 
And free from the primary desires of my flesh filled heart to please men, to be included, to feel wanted and accepted, loved.
Not that those are necessarily bad things, but I think that they mattered more to me than what My Father thought of me.

I wish I could say that I have been "freed" of all my baggage... the stuff that has been hanging off my neck for the last while. I can't. I haven't.

But I can agree with God that He will sustain & admonish me and allow all that He wills so that He can make me who He wants me to be... to fulfill the purpose He has for me.
And that, indeed, is freedom.

So yeah, I may never finish the drafts I have saved.
They reek of selfishness, discouragement and unbelief.
And, at times, so do I.
But I am determined to practice using my shield to block the fiery darts of the enemy... even if it is within.

And I will continue to work at loving those who have hurt me, praying for others (even the people for whom I don't feel like praying), memorizing God's word (1/2 way through Romans 8... Yes!), and meditating on His promises.
Because that is where I will find God, truth, grace, forgiveness... and freedom.

Thank you Jesus.