Say Grace

It's been quite a week.
Mother's day was great. Really. My kids really blessed me with their time, thoughtfulness, sentiments and gifts.  And I loved every minute.
I felt loved, remembered, appreciated... my big three. :)
It was good.

A week later, however, I am exhausted from a week that resembles the Blue Streak at Conneaut Lake Park. (Yeah... I know it's broken.... see what I mean.)
I have been stretched emotionally to as close to breaking as I have been in a long  time.
Unkind words, miscommunication, misinterpretation, judgement, criticism, all combined with a double dose of emotional fatigue, a dash of hopelessness and a heaping portion of loneliness....
It's been tough.
And I have wallowed around in my misery, tears flowing effortlessly, verbally spewing onto anyone crazy enough to get close.
What is the point?

Not sure I can answer that. Not sure it matters.

During church this morning, God spoke to me, again, about His grace.
I have been feeling a bit "grace-less".
Not only do I feel I've not been receiving it, I haven't been doing a very good job at bestowing it myself.
Funny how you can get so wrapped up in your own "stuff" that you can justify most actions, or lack of actions.
And that, I have done.
A few strategic Pride & Prejudice quotes, a little gossip (slander?), unkindness, and an unforgiving spirit.
(Feel free to turn away if you can't take anymore...it's not pretty)
And of course the inaction: no mercy, no patience, no tolerance.
Not grace-full at all.
Certainly not anything that satisfies the query "What would Jesus do?"
 (Yeah, I kinda rise and fall on that one.)

My Pastor spoke about how as pilgrims we should never be evil to one another, never insulting; but be tenderhearted, humble... and then the clincher: be a blessing.
(Seriously...I have been waiting to be blessed. I think I kind of deserve it. After all, my life is hard. Didn't you just read about my week?)
Up to that point I was mentally listing off the people who had indeed, perpetrated these things against me. (Really, I was)
But as I thought about what Pastor was saying, my list and the accompanying justification, kinda lost its attraction, and I was humbled by my sin.
And, true to the presiding emotional state I was in, I had to leave part-way through to go cry in the ladies room.

Somewhere in between wadded up kleenex, I was humbled by the grace that My Father has shown me. His Spirit revealing my selfishness, pride and lack of belief....reoccurring themes in my imperfect life. And a splash of arrogance.
Really...why do I think I deserve any more, any better than what My Father's sovereign hand so graciously gives me?
Why do I insist on my way, my timing, my comfort?
Why do I live like I don't trust God?
Not sure I have a great answer for these questions either.

This process of becoming more like Him and less like me is hard, and long. My commitment needs to be certain, steady, long-suffering. But too often I wimp out.
My time with My Father has been brief as of late.
Hurried devotions, when I have them.
Selfish, short prayers.
Little meditation on His Word... much rumination on myself and my discontent, unmet expectations, unclear future.
Perhaps these are all reasons for this past week.

Or maybe the affliction that I have seemingly endured, is there to reveal God's wisdom and grace to me.
I think I am asking the wrong questions.
Instead of wondering why I am so deficient, perhaps I should be focusing on the "Who" behind everything that is my life.
Time spent searching His Word, discovering His attributes, claiming His promises, could take my focus from my self-absorption, casting it in a much worthier direction.

And, as I discover My Lord anew, His Spirit will work in me... bringing hope, forgiveness, peace... and grace into my heart.
If I ask, perhaps enough to slosh over the sides and splash onto those around me.

So I start this new week, determined to look more at Him than me.
Focused straight ahead, willing to channel His love, mercy and grace.
Instead of plotting quiet revenge on those who have offended me, I will attempt to edify, forgive and love.
Even my enemies.

**************
I'm very fond of walking. 
Yes... yes I know. 
It's refreshing, is it not after sitting so long in one attitude? 
And it is a small kind of accomplishment, I suppose.

- (Pride & Prejudice...the movie)