Be Quiet

Apparently it is fly season... it must go along with the rainy season or something.
Seriously, they are everywhere.
All over my car, hanging on the window screens and lately, gathering in my home... seemingly to irritate its inhabitants. I mean, really, what purpose is there for flies in my house?
We have flyswatters strategically placed all over the house and we are gaining on them... well kinda.
The little ones seem kinda dumb & dazed and are easily assaulted.
But it's that lone big one... bouncing off of light bulbs, diving bombing my dinner, laughing at our attempts to whack him out of the air, that draws my ire.
And just when I think all is clear, and I turn on my reading light and settle into my chair... yup here it comes; buzzing, bopping, annoyingly close but just out of reach... drawing my attention, distracting me from my intended task... provoking.

Lately I have been haunted by some unkind (and I would like to say "unmerited") words that were directed toward me.  If you read my last post then you have a bit of an idea of what I've been going through. (Understatement? ;) )

I have invested more emotion into this encounter than necessary, and I am not sure why.
Being misinterpreted and misunderstood are hard. Being unable to defend myself has made it even harder.
I am struggling to decipher what is really going on in my head, and my heart and arrive at a sensible reason for my continued unrest.
I have spent time discussing this with family and friends and have received a wise consensus of opinion.  And I trust it... and them. (you know who you are... I love you.)
But like that big ole murmuring fly, it just keeps circling around in my head... and my feeble attempts to ignore it lack lasting results.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I struggling so with this?

Well, as of this writing I have had no epiphany.
Yes, there is pride, and selfishness, and my ever present need for approval. (Seriously would like to get over that one. )
But I think there is more.
I despise injustice. My mother used to tell me that she hoped one day I had a child whose favorite cry was :"It's not fair!"  I guess she got a little weary of my constant whining.
And I feel like this is not fair. Not only were the things said only partially true, but some were flat out lies. And certainly I was not treated with respect or even friendship.
Am I making a convincing case?

But here it is.
I should be ok with this. I really should.

Last week, in the middle of my self-supported drama, God gave me a "vision" of Jesus standing before His accusers. With His mouth shut.
Hmmm...

Really... how would you respond to that?
I am humbled and convicted. But still sinfully selfish.
I want avenged, darn it.
I want others to know... oh wait, did I accomplish that in attempts to gain support and sympathy?
Hmmm...

That's not what Jesus did.
Nope.
He just took it.

Probably the most practical piece of advice I got in all of this was"Abandon ship!"
Let it go.
Perhaps through the power of prayer, the influence of the Holy Spirit, the acquiescence of my will,  I can do just that.
Willing to face unanswered questions, unexplained motives, with silence.
Quieting the noise in my soul with the Truth.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.