Hoping.

So yeah, ... the sun is out and one of my kids is back sleeping in her room tonight.
I am liking life a little better.
Yes... I'm a little moody these days.

I don't like letting my words, actions and thoughts be dictated by my circumstances. I really don't.
I long to be able to be kind and sweet and thankful and gracious... no matter what is going on in my life.
I think that would make me much more like Jesus.
But, I fall short, very short time and time again.

Lately I have been under a lot of emotional stress, some (most?) self-inflicted but painful just the same.
I'm losing weight and my hair is starting to fall out (again).
I have read and studied and prayed and read and counseled and prayed....well you get the picture.
But here I am... again.
Stuck in a cycle that I should know how to stop... right?

So, for the umpteenth time, I am crying out to my Father to save me from my own weakness.
To use His Spirit to turn my lack into his plenty, my feebleness into His power, my garbage into His Glory.
I know, that sounds audacious doesn't it?
Why would a Holy God bother with me at all, let alone take the time to change my yucky stuff into His Glory.
Yup... doesn't make any sense to me either. But He does it. I know He does.
He has transformed and redeemed much in my life... but there is still so much more that is not conformed to His Son.
I am not even close.

And, as usual I have no great plan to end this ongoing struggle.
As far as I can tell, it seems to be permanent.
This tension between who I am and who I want to be.... ought to be.
And while there is much that I do know and understand, the unknowns and the unknowables continue to block my "progress".

Gaining little from my efforts, yet I continue to meditate on what I expected, wanted, deserved.... instead of the merciful, loving works of my Father.
Concerned with what people say and do and don't do and how that rudely bonks into my comfort bubble; bringing hurt, anger, defeat.... and once again, not trusting that my Sovereign Lord has me right where He wants me to be... to do what He wants to do with and through and in spite of me.

Goodness.
Actually, what I really want.... is to go home. To be done.
To rest at the feet of Jesus.

While I can't see any redeeming value in what my life "accomplishes", apparently God does.  Cause here I am.
Realistically, I can expect more of the same: childish, impatient, selfish, uncaring, unkind, unforgiving attitudes... and that's just me. Ugh.
But I can also expect that my God loves me. He is going to be good and faithful and merciful and gracious.
And somehow in His time, He is going to make me more like Jesus.
And I'm going to like it.