Several years ago I found this quote and copied it out of her biography onto a little piece of notebook paper. It hangs on my bulletin board and from time to time I pause to meditate on the truth it contains.
Lately, peace has been fleeting... like polite smiles and sunshine in NW PA.
It comes, I have it.... I feel it.
And then it's gone; chased away by a fearful thought, unexpected circumstance, unanswered question.
I get that peace flows straight from the gracious hand of My Father.
I know that He desires me to be at peace... and to rest in His Sovereign Goodness.
But sometimes what I know in my mind travels a winding, fractious path to my heart; warring with my flesh the whole way.
Recently I implored My Heavenly Father to allow me to hang onto something that He seemed determined to take from me.
Using both hands I gripped this thing, digging my heels in, pulling it to my chest... declaring my ownership of it. Foolishly convinced that I knew better: I needed this.
It. Was. Mine... darn it.
Yup... He took it anyway.
And I was left on my face, outstretched arms weary from the battle, hands emptied of my treasure... weeping. (Seriously. Like a baby.)
Then God spoke straight to my heart; bypassing my brain, my reasons and my selfishness.
I was convicted of my pride, my foolishness... my sin.
And as I confessed my failure and my weakness, God allowed me a glimpse of what He was doing to me and in me.
And, of course, it was not about me. It was about Him. And His Glory.
I was holding my possession so high that it was casting a shadow on my reflection of Him.
Ultimately impeding the flow of His Grace... which is the only source of peace.
I would like to say that I graciously, maturely, handed it over. I wish I could. But that's just not true.
I continue to wrestle with my desire. I still really want this. I really do.
And I struggle to accept that I am better off without it.
But more than this thing... or any other, I want peace with my Heavenly Father.
So I choose to accept, with my mind, that God is doing in me whatever He needs to do to make me who He wants me to be.
He created me, so... yeah.
And if this forced acceptance, this discipline if you will, gets me closer to being like Jesus - well -
that's the whole point... isn't it?
- When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. - Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. - My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
H.G. Spafford
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