Weary

Weary:  Having one's interest( A state of curiosity or concern about or attention to something), forbearance( To be tolerant or patient in the face of provocation), or indulgence( To yield to the desires and whims of) worn out.
Yup...I am feeling that.
Interest is wearing out and certainly indulgence. And in order to forbear, I think I need both of those.

I've noticed that I run a lot of thoughts through my head that are not necessarily true, but strangely comforting.
My current favorite goes something like " I can not do this anymore..." in a high-pitched, whiny voice usually accompanied by a few tears.
Yeah...kinda pathetic, I know.
And quite frankly, I accomplish nothing with this, beyond a few used up tissues.

Recently, while working on a new Bible study, I discovered that the root of such a lament is actually pride. Now, perhaps for you that is a "duh" kind of moment. Not so for me.
Actually I was kinda offended. Really.
How dare this author put that so boldly into print?
I mean, no one knows what my life is like; no one else has to endure what I do. Um...right?

Pride: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing or conduct.
OK...wow. That is not me. 
I don't walk around acting all superior and important, demanding and declaring and expecting to be served.
Wait. 
Ok, maybe a little. But only because...um...I...um...well, I think, that  I might actually...think it's true.
(yikes)

It's not really a conscious thing. It's kind of a learned response that has become ingrained and it is part of my very nature.
My sin nature.
And it's always hanging around.
It's there when I position myself to get the best seat at the concert, or movie, or church service.  Or when I maneuver things and people so that my child gets the best advantage, the first spot in line, recognition.  
It's there when I am sure that I deserve the best piece of cake, or the cheapest price on the shoes, or that parking spot, or the last "one"... readily defending  and arguing to get my way...'cause my way is right and best and should not be ignored.
And it is there when I politely brag, openly gossip, secretly covet, or refuse to trust God.  

So, yes my pride is intact...and that's not good.
And I wonder if my cries out to God ever rub Him the wrong way. 
After all, I am exactly where He wants me to be...what's with the whining?
Don't I believe that He is good...all the time? 
Don't I trust that His perfect will will be worked out in my life, in His time, for His good pleasure?
Apparently...not.
That is the very essence of pride. 
  
I am weary.
And, yes, life is hard and my life might even be harder than yours.
But demanding that it be different (whining), thinking I have a better way (complaining) may come naturally, but that's the "old me". 
And it needs to die.
  
So I need to focus my interest, anew, again,  on Kingdom things.....not all these temporary distractions.
Indulge the needs of the people that God has placed in my life, while setting my own beside, or even better, behind me. 
And then perhaps the forbearing will be easier, flow more naturally, bless more people, change my heart.


God is good. All the time. 
And I believe it.  ; )