Bigger Picture

I have this feeling, like something is up, something is not right, but I just can't quite figure it out.

Like a gentle gnawing that pulls at my heart and smile, haunting my thoughts; vague, but real. 

The source of this yearning is unclear, uncertain.   
I feel discontent.

I want more...I think. But of what?

I do know that I am at it again: living as if I were the author of my life.

Planning, plotting, re-arranging, all in an effort to make my life the way I want it to be. 

And I know better.

Inconsistent in what I say, do, think, pursue; perhaps to the very core of who I am. (yuck)

There is dissonance in my life; my soul. 
This journey, this process in my life, the setting aside of "me" for the very heart and purpose of God, doesn't always move forward.
In fact, at times it seems stalled,stifled, suffocated...by me. 
And my pursuit of, well, me. (yuck)


We have been learning about pilgrims and settlers from our Pastor and Peter lately. 
And, while I understand that I am a pilgrim, I have been living more like a settler. 
I find it easy to do. With a husband, kids at home, adult kids with grand-babies, church, volunteering, friends, yeah, I am settled right in without even trying.
But I am convinced that there is more to this picture. 
I want to live like a pilgrim. I want to keep my roots shallow, my treasure piled up in heaven. My time, talents and energy used for God's purpose...and the good of others. 
And I know that this is just a temporary home, while Jesus builds me a permanent one in Heaven.
( I hope I get my own room)
But I am here, straddling this place of "in the world but not of the world" and sometimes not really sure what that looks like.

Desiring to engage, enlighten, serve...but feeling stuck. Uncertain. Alone.

I am reading a couple of books that are challenging me to look out, past the comfort and pleasure of my life, toward the bigger picture that God is creating.

My initial response is like "Yes! Let's get this done!". 

But then I wonder, "What?", Where?", "Who?" and "How?".
Could it be as simple (and hard) as just doing each day the things that answer the question "What would Jesus do?". 

If I approached  my days with the eyes and ears and heart of Jesus, would I find myself more able and willing to sojourn instead of settle? 

Perhaps I would more clearly see the needs around me, and respond with grace and compassion. 

And, along the way, maybe I would care less about me and more about others.

And begin to look less like me, and more like Him.

'Cause that is my purpose: to glorify My Father. 

And, no matter how I feel, that purpose never changes. 

So maybe that yearning for...something, is both the Holy Spirit at work within me, creating the desire for more, and the draw of Heaven on my soul.

I am not where I will be, but for now, I am where I belong.