Legacy

I went to the funeral home tonight.

I do not enjoy doing that...for lots of reasons.

I never feel comfortable, seems like nothing I say is appropriate...you know?

And frankly, I usually can't get out of there soon enough.

This night a dear, godly friend was being remembered by dozens of people, snaking  their way through the crowded parlor offering love, support, memories.

While I only knew her for a small portion of her life, I did spend several years of Tuesday mornings listening as this friend poured out her love for God, His church (missionaries in particular) and unsaved people...known and unknown. She loved God and loved talking to Him and I loved being a pray-er with her.

She left behind a testimony of years of faithful service to her local church,  her incredible heart and energy for missionaries, and a family filled with believers, some in full time ministry.

And she often quoted this verse.

" Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." - Isaiah 26:3

I will remember her whenever I encounter it. 

I'm thinking, this is part of her legacy.

These memories, convictions, examples that will get passed down from one generation to the next. 

Her present and future family will benefit because of her faith-filled life.

I want this.

I want to leave a testimony of God's greatness and grace for my family. 

I realize that just as the choices I made while growing up set a course for my adult life, the decisions and choices that I make now will take their place in my legacy. 

So I need to be thoughtful, deliberate, prayerful; considering the impact of  my desires and ensuing actions.
I need to stand straight and unwavering, even if alone, in the convictions birthed from God's Word. 

My prayers must plead for more: faith, wisdom, Christ-likeness.

And my heart must beat in cadence with my Lord and Savior.

I want to leave behind the essence of  His grace and His mercy...

and a hint of "Well done My good and faithful servant".

Thank you, Darla.

Bigger Picture

Halfway

I got a message today on my phone...one of those group texts letting me know that yet another one of my friends was turning 50 this year.
Which reminded me that in about 4 months I will have my 50th birthday.
And for quite a while I have been trying to convince myself that I am OK with this impending milestone.

My 30th birthday was kinda rough. The recognition that I had indeed passed through youth and young adult status and found myself smack in the middle of "adult" was sobering...and kind of depressing.
Regardless of how I felt, I was never going to be "young" again. It was sorta painful.

My 40th found me struggling with who I wanted to be when I grew up (not kidding) and attempting to solidify my place...was I just a mom? Was I a photographer? A cookie baker? Should I become a student again? Start a business???
Ended up I did some kinda foolish things, sowed a few oats and then settled back into a tenuous truce with myself.

And now this June finds me at 50. I heard someone say that 50 is the new 30. And, I might like that...but someone will have to convince my eyes, cause they are kinda tired, my mind, cause it is a little slower and, yes, tired, and then there is my body: not 30...for sure.

But I'm thinking that maybe its more about attitude and perspective. And I am grateful for almost 50 years that God has given me. And while I would make some changes, take back some unkind words, give more of my time, talents and treasures away, I wouldn't want to do it all over.

In fact, I find myself looking forward, more than ever, to it being...well, "over".
As the years go by, the pull toward heaven has increased.
At this point in my life I have had many opportunities to learn that, indeed, this is not my home.
I take great comfort in knowing that my Lord is preparing a home for me.
I really like that.
And the idea of dwelling in the presence of My Father is especially appealing.

For now, as I turn that "half century" corner (yikes...did I really say that?) I will  look forward to what lies ahead.
I will work at being the best wife, mom, grandma, friend, I can.
I will trust my Father with not only this day, but however many more He has for me.
I will rejoice in His goodness.
And, on occasion, I will think ahead to my real home, being careful not to settle in too deep while I'm here.
Cause this place, this body, this life is just for now.
While 50 may not be 30, for me, it's a whole lot closer to heaven!

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me
~ Casting Crowns

Overcast

I love the sun and its warmth.
I have been known to stand in sun-streaming windows and doorways, doing, well,  nothing; just soaking up the sun.
And, frankly, I am able to get more accomplished when I am not fending off freezing air under a blanket somewhere.
Indeed, come winter, I am probably not the most productive person that you know.
Sunlight energizes me and encourages me and motivates me. I truly have a better emotional grip (on whatever it is I'm supposed to be holding) when the sun is shining.* 

And so I want to blame my recent, current emotional yuckiness on the lack of sunshine here in these parts. 
I mean, come on; if it weren't for the the black trees...I would be living in a monochromatic snow globe.
However, I am finding it difficult to back that up with...um...well...much of anything.

See, I believe that God is sovereign. I believe that He is good. I believe that there is nothing in my life that does not originate with Him. Nothing comes to me that did not first make its way past Him. No.Thing.
Yet, I am not living this.

So I have been searching my Bible (a  little) and my heart ( a little more) and I am recognizing my own responsibility for my grumpy, apathetic, demeanor. And while I am discovering several reasons for my discontent...aforementioned weather gloom, stinky, torn apart house, acute loneliness...I am most convicted of (being real honest here) my lack of interest in God. And His Word.
Lame? Yup.
And I would like to say that since I have come to that conclusion I have spent hours in prayer and Bible study.
Nope.
In fact, I just keep justifying my apathy and inaction with whatever nonsense suits the moment.
I actually seem to like it, here, in this arid place, continually thirsty but not reaching for that which quenches.

At this point, you can wonder right along with me what my problem is...go ahead. Maybe ungratefulness. Maybe faithlessness. Maybe I am just a sinner...and good at it.

But I do know this:

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 7:25-8:1 NAS

Thank you Jesus.


*BTW: I am aware that there are places in our great country where the sun does indeed shine, and yes, I am planning on moving to one of those areas asap.