Transition

Signs of summer's demise are all around... flocking birds, cool mornings, darker evenings, wilting gardens, school supplies, leaden clouds and bright blue skies, the Crawford County Fair, and empty bedrooms.
(I was hoping it would also include me in Texas... )

A time of transition.
Transition:movement, passage, or change from one position, state,stage, subject, concept, etc., to another.


For us there is homeschool instead of public school for two of my kids and college in Texas for another. And a household closer to the size of the national average : 2.48 people.
(Not sure I want to see the .48 person)

Several of my friends are in transition also... moving to and from this area... different jobs, new church families, babies...
Or kids off to college, the military... or just moving out of their home; beginning journeys that will most likely take them away and off into God's plan for their lives... perhaps never to return "home", except for holidays and funerals.
Good and necessary for the kids... a little hard on the moms.

Yup, transition is part of life. Every day, everywhere, everyone shares this experience.

But beyond the physical realm, I yearn for a spiritual transition.
A change from self-absorbed, self-controlled, self-willed living, to a total dependance and acceptance of the place and plan which is mine... because of Christ.
I am a child of God...
Romans 8: 17- " and if children, heirs also; heirs of God and joint heirs of Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we might also be glorified with Him."
Suffering with Him... hmm... I think that suffering with Him could mean a lot of things... putting to death my flesh included.

Lately I have been thinking more about the Sovereignty of God and what that means for my everyday life. I admit, when it comes to spiritual things, I can be a bit of a slow learner. But I get this. I do.  However, I find myself tempted...um... hourly (?) to react, act, maneuver, complain, cry out, disbelieve... (anyone with me here)... to change things... and it frustrates me. Greatly.

Like the aforementioned lack of Texas residency. I mean, really. I felt God's pull on my heart several years ago to look beyond where I was so comfortably sitting. And as the months went by He unhooked a lot of my "feelings" and replaced them with thoughts of what He wants to do in our lives... and frankly we believe that includes change. And, while willing to go or stay or whatever... we really think that our direction is pretty clear. However, the circumstances have yet to present themselves. And I am getting impatient. And restless. And a little annoyed.

Like watching my kids deal with difficulties, and wanting to jump ahead and straighten their way... thinking that my involvement would certainly improve things... but hearing God's Spirit tell me to wait and trust Him. And not always agreeing... still thinking I have skills that are needed. Yup.

Like watching the news (which frankly, I do very little of anymore) and becoming overwhelmed with the need... physical, spiritual.... and asking God what is up with, for instance,  starving children in the Horn of Africa or the thousands of kids in foster care or orphanages, human trafficking, slavery... goodness.
What is God doing? (Am I allowed to ask that?)

And is this part of the suffering? This feeling of impotence combined with ever increasing frustration at my apparent inability to impact well, much of anything.

Honestly I just want to go home... to Heaven. Now, please.

But then I find myself smack up against my knowledge (gleaned from scripture) that God is in total control, He misses nothing, He ordained EVERYTHING.
*Sigh* ... but it's a good sigh.

See this transition that I desire is not going to happen overnight, or because I want it, or because God needs me to change...
rather  it is a process that God so graciously started in me the day He chose to make me spiritually alive.
Because He wanted to.
And He promises in Philippians 1:6 to finish what He started in me.

So my transition from dead in my sin enemy of God, to perfect child of God, (however still sinful), is in progress.
And all God requires of me is to trust Him; believe Him; glorify Him.

And while I am far from perfected, the journey toward Christ-likeness is ongoing... ending when I am finally Home.

And I am joyfully, expectantly hoping for that transition.

Sanctus Real - Forgiven (Slideshow With Lyrics)

Freedom: In progress.

OK, it's been over a month since I wrote my last post.
I tried several times and even have a couple of half-finished drafts saved.
But the truth is, I haven't wanted to share the thoughts in my head. 
There has been much whirling around; vignettes of conversations (real and imagined), a goodly share of "same old, same old"(that is really getting old, even to me), some regrets, a little drama and a continued flirtation with hopelessness. And tears. 
I have listened to Sanctus Real's "Forgiven" over and over again, feeling like I was living out every line and chorus... but still waiting to "feel" the closeness to God and the freedom that I know comes with His forgiveness.


This week I spent time with some incredible, godly, Jesus-loving ladies. 
What a blessing. 
What a privilege. 
As we prayed, sang and considered God's Word, I was taken with a spirit of thankfulness... and it's been a while since I felt that. :)
I am thankful for God's unchanging character and Word; thankful for His Presence in that room; thankful for women who spent 2 hours talking about Biblical things, real things that will matter for eternity... honest, open, frank discussion that I know pleased our Father.
I have needed this. 
I have missed this.
I loved it. 


We talked about using our shields of Truth to combat the evil one... and I realized that I had not done that for a long time. 
I have been trying to out-talk the negative talk, out-think the negative thoughts and work really hard at fixing the things that seem broken. 
I was wrong.


No wonder I have been so discouraged and unable and frustrated. 
I wasn't supposed to be "doing" all of that. I was supposed to be using what I know to be true about God and my relationship with Him to cause me to trust His Sovereign Grace. 
Period. 


And this is where I have found the beginning of freedom... right smack in the middle of trusting God to be... well, GOD.
Beautiful, life-giving, grace-bestowing, mercy-showing freedom. 
Freedom to be who God made me to be... sure of His Love and acceptance. 
And free from the primary desires of my flesh filled heart to please men, to be included, to feel wanted and accepted, loved.
Not that those are necessarily bad things, but I think that they mattered more to me than what My Father thought of me.

I wish I could say that I have been "freed" of all my baggage... the stuff that has been hanging off my neck for the last while. I can't. I haven't.

But I can agree with God that He will sustain & admonish me and allow all that He wills so that He can make me who He wants me to be... to fulfill the purpose He has for me.
And that, indeed, is freedom.

So yeah, I may never finish the drafts I have saved.
They reek of selfishness, discouragement and unbelief.
And, at times, so do I.
But I am determined to practice using my shield to block the fiery darts of the enemy... even if it is within.

And I will continue to work at loving those who have hurt me, praying for others (even the people for whom I don't feel like praying), memorizing God's word (1/2 way through Romans 8... Yes!), and meditating on His promises.
Because that is where I will find God, truth, grace, forgiveness... and freedom.

Thank you Jesus.

Distract me, please.

Distract: to cause to turn away from the original focus of attention or interest. 

OK... if you know me at all you know that being distracted is not something for which I usually need to ask.
I tend to hang out in that realm.

I have trouble maintaining a long conversation without my eyes and mind roaming away from my companion, letting my thoughts stray, eyes glazing over,  and then blurting something totally unrelated and  inappropriate to the discussion at hand or abruptly pointing out an adorable child or other interesting person walking past.
(This is not news to my friends.)
Often when I clean, I will start in one room, move to another to put something away, trip over the open dishwasher, spy an interesting magazine cover, begin to read an article, remember I wanted to google something, realize I'm thirsty, open the cupboard to get a glass, remember I meant to start a load of laundry, leaving the cupboard door hanging open, then see that the sun is out and end up sitting on the deck, soaking up the warmth,  playing with a kitten.
Really.
(This is not news to my family.)
Yup... I have taken some of those Adult ADD tests.... and passed.

So I find myself in a strange place; I need to be distracted.

Lately I have been very absorbed, attentive and obsessed with someone.
Someone that is consuming me to the place that I am no longer acting like "myself".
I am at times irritable, discontent, anxious, plagued with doubts, struggling to find purpose and focus to my days, lacking peace, sleeping fitfully, crying randomly...  honestly, often, miserable.

See... I need to be distracted, separated from this person.

The problem is this person is ... me.
And until I am perfected in heaven, well, I am kinda stuck with "me".
And frankly, so are you, my friend.

The problem isn't in "who" I am:
Nanette Elizabeth Milner Smith
Born 4th among 5 siblings
50 yrs. old
Married to Tom
Mother to 6 fabulous children
Grandma to 3 beautiful, equally fabulous children
Blessed with many acquaintances and some great friends
And most importantly... a chosen child of God.

That is all good.
Great in fact.

But somewhere in this past year I have allowed the relationships, experiences and circumstances in my life to turn my attention inward, deeper and deeper, and I have forgotten my intended, necessary focal point, thereby setting up foundation stones that bear a creepy resemblance to... um... me.
( All together now... yuck!)

And it's not like I don't know better.
I have spent much time studying God's word, reading the works of godly, great people (most of whom are dead), imploring My Father to make me like His Son.
No, it's not lack of knowledge.
It's the application.
And the believing.

I would love to be able to just pray a prayer, and "ZAP!"... all fixed.  Wouldn't you?
But I have learned, mostly from being a mom for 32 years, that while "zapping" things into rightness sounds good, without the corrective discipline that comes from working through hard things, history is bound to repeat.

So I have determined to set my thoughts, time and focus onto the "right" things.:
God
His Word
His Will
and less about me: who, what, & where I am.

I dug out some good reading:
Desiring God - John Piper  (again)
The Good News We Almost Forgot - Kevin DeYoung
Foundations of Grace - Steven Lawson
Your God is Too Safe - Mark Buchanan  (again)
The Book of God - Walter Wangerin  (third time)
Philippians (Again... still), Romans & Proverbs (favorite)  - God
(Surely you are not surprised that I read several books at the same time.... are you?)
I am determined to endeavor to discipline myself to spend time reading, meditating, memorizing (Romans 8.... here I come...gonna get past verse 23 this time!!).
And talking more to My Father, my Abba Father:
Choosing to invite Him into all my thoughts (Think Brother Lawrence), and actions.
Crying out for His mercy and grace and bringing others to His throne, concerned with the needs and struggles of others.... hopefully diminishing my own selfish whining in the process.
Taking what His Spirit shows me, applying it to my heart and mind and actions, purifying my motives, giving rest and peace to my soul.
I believe that this is the antidote to all the "me-ness" I have been indulging in lately.

So, I guess my request for distraction needs to go straight to the Throne of Grace, where my Father sits, high and lifted up and rightfully adored.
Clearly, I cannot do any of this on my own.
I have tried: Repeated, epic fail.
But by choosing to discipline myself, forcing my mind to dwell on His Word, using my time to cultivate my relationship with Him, I allow my soul to acquiesce to the Holy Spirit's work in me, and with time and desire God may change the shape of my foundation stones, mercifully, graciously, forming new ones that slowly, surely resemble Jesus Christ.... my beloved Savior.

Oh yes... please... distract me with Jesus.






Isa 6:1-8 "I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and his train filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim; each ... one called to another and said: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory." And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, .... And I said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, ...; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!" Then flew one of the seraphim to me.... And he touched my mouth, and said: "Behold, ...; your guilt is taken away, and your sin forgiven." 

Blog, Blog, Blog...

If you are reading this now, good chance you've been here before.
I've been "blogging" for 7 months and this is my 52nd post.
Does that seem like a lot?
Well, if you know me, you will know that most of what I think ends up out my mouth anyway, so it's not surprising that I have been a busy blogger.

Over the past months I have sat at this keyboard and let my musings, frustrations, revelations and interactions flow from my heart and mind onto this "page".
If you are family member or friend, perhaps you have even been the inspiration or catalyst behind some of my writing.
I have borne some criticism along the way, mostly from people who thought I was writing about them, and that kinda stung at first.
My intention is not to use my blog to hurt or "teach a lesson" to any one person.
Nor do I pretend to have the power to prick a heart, bring about guilt, or name someone else's sin.
In fact, I have emptied my heart here, time & time again, with no other motive than to share the story of a sinner, saved by grace.

Most of my writing is a reflection of the fragments of my life, recent and past, and how God is using them  to put together (inexplicably) something good... and the sometimes messy method by which this all takes place.
And yes, usually He uses the people with whom I relate, and the situations that arise, to teach me.
If along the way, someone else relates as well... well, that just might be the point.

By far, The loudest comments have been from people who identify with what I write.
(I have had readers from several countries including Singapore, Croatia, Australia, Canada and Germany... um... I don't think I know anyone in Croatia. )
Many have found themselves between the lines and have been encouraged to know they don't struggle alone.
Some of my writing has been very transparent; raw, if you will.
More than once I have wondered at the wisdom (or lack) of sharing myself so clearly, openly, painfully.
But the expressions of gratitude, appreciation and yes, even relief, expressed to me by readers are louder than the awkward thud of my fall from my own pedestal.

So, yeah, I will write and I will pray that God will change me as I meditate on His Word, apply it to my life and wrestle with the results... recording my journey on this page.
And if God uses this blog to encourage you, my friend, in any way, that's a bonus for which I take no credit.

You use steel to sharpen steel, 
   and one friend sharpens another. ~ Proverbs 27:17

Cleaning Day

Ok... today is the day.

I am going to clean out Chad's room.

I have been in there only briefly the past two weeks and have yet to leave it without crying.

But... today is a new day. A beginning of sorts. 

I may turn it into a study, or a sewing room, or something... anything that doesn't resemble Chad's empty room.  

Not sure, but, for now.... I am going in!

I wish it were that easy to deal with some other areas of my life that need a good cleaning.

Like... my thoughts, my attitude, (my house, but... maybe later), my mouth.

Actually it will be much easier to spend the day in Chad's room than tackle any one of those things. 

And really, if I would clean out the junk in my heart... well that would take care of the rest of it.

God's Word tells me:

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. Luke 6:45

I think it is interesting that God calls both the evil and the good stuff, "treasure". [Valuable or precious possessions of any kind.]

It is true. There are things that I keep in my heart, attitudes and thoughts and even memories, that are evil.

Yet I must regard them as treasure, otherwise, why are they still there?

Yeah. Guilty. 

And the unkind, unedifying, uncontrolled stuff that flies out of my mouth, has it's roots (at least) in this evil treasure. (Yuck.)

Hmmm...

So the obvious action to take is to clean it out. Remove the old, evil treasure and replace it with new. 

I suppose the kind that doesn't tarnish or get eaten by moths would be a good place to start. 

But, like everything else God wants me to do, my first inclination is to whine about how hard it is going to be.

After all, I treasure this stuff... this is gonna leave a mark.

Identifying the source of the treasure seems kinda important.

Maybe, if I can determine my motivation for saving it, I can find the path to removing it. 

I know that some of it is there just 'cause I want it there. 

Stubborn, selfish, sure.

But I fear that the farther I go, the more clearly I will see that the very bottom, the fine, thready ends of the roots, are buried in pride.

And the only antidote to that is, well, humility.

And that really is hard. 

Humility requires me to work in tandem with God's Holy Spirit, powered by God's Grace.

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

I must be:

Humble enough to admit I am proud.

Humble as I approach those who I have offended, and offer my request for forgiveness... and humble as I am approached by others, granting forgiveness in kind.

Humble as I take my thoughts captive, releasing my ideas for justice, vindication, exposure, dwelling on God's abundance of Goodness, Rightness and Mercy and trusting Him to right the "wrongs" that fill my life... and mind.

Humble to admit that the source of my evil treasure is the sin that dwells within my very nature... and that I am wholly dependent on God's Grace to put that aside.

So, through prayer and the Truth of God's Word, I will do some cleaning. 

As I do, I will endeavor to reconcile relationships, replace criticism and intolerance with love and patience, and approach daily difficulties believing in the Goodness and Greatness of God's Sovereignty.

Hopefully resulting in the golden glow of the good treasure of God's glorious Grace.

And then, I should probably clean my house. :) 

Hoping.

So yeah, ... the sun is out and one of my kids is back sleeping in her room tonight.
I am liking life a little better.
Yes... I'm a little moody these days.

I don't like letting my words, actions and thoughts be dictated by my circumstances. I really don't.
I long to be able to be kind and sweet and thankful and gracious... no matter what is going on in my life.
I think that would make me much more like Jesus.
But, I fall short, very short time and time again.

Lately I have been under a lot of emotional stress, some (most?) self-inflicted but painful just the same.
I'm losing weight and my hair is starting to fall out (again).
I have read and studied and prayed and read and counseled and prayed....well you get the picture.
But here I am... again.
Stuck in a cycle that I should know how to stop... right?

So, for the umpteenth time, I am crying out to my Father to save me from my own weakness.
To use His Spirit to turn my lack into his plenty, my feebleness into His power, my garbage into His Glory.
I know, that sounds audacious doesn't it?
Why would a Holy God bother with me at all, let alone take the time to change my yucky stuff into His Glory.
Yup... doesn't make any sense to me either. But He does it. I know He does.
He has transformed and redeemed much in my life... but there is still so much more that is not conformed to His Son.
I am not even close.

And, as usual I have no great plan to end this ongoing struggle.
As far as I can tell, it seems to be permanent.
This tension between who I am and who I want to be.... ought to be.
And while there is much that I do know and understand, the unknowns and the unknowables continue to block my "progress".

Gaining little from my efforts, yet I continue to meditate on what I expected, wanted, deserved.... instead of the merciful, loving works of my Father.
Concerned with what people say and do and don't do and how that rudely bonks into my comfort bubble; bringing hurt, anger, defeat.... and once again, not trusting that my Sovereign Lord has me right where He wants me to be... to do what He wants to do with and through and in spite of me.

Goodness.
Actually, what I really want.... is to go home. To be done.
To rest at the feet of Jesus.

While I can't see any redeeming value in what my life "accomplishes", apparently God does.  Cause here I am.
Realistically, I can expect more of the same: childish, impatient, selfish, uncaring, unkind, unforgiving attitudes... and that's just me. Ugh.
But I can also expect that my God loves me. He is going to be good and faithful and merciful and gracious.
And somehow in His time, He is going to make me more like Jesus.
And I'm going to like it.